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Jeff is the first-born son of a wealthy Arab sultan, but was kidnapped as an
infant by a band of Turkish pirates. They kept him for their amusement
for two years on the sea, until their ship was destroyed by a great whale
that measured two miles from nose to tail. Miraculously, Jeff landed on a
bit of driftwood from the splintered vessel and floated to a tropical island
inhabited by a tribe of cannibals. Since he survived the voyage as only a
small child and his arrival fell on the night of a lunar eclipse, they hailed
him as a god and raised him in (relative) luxury. In the year 1987 when Jeff
was only four, the island was occupied by the Soviets as a base for ballistic
missiles. He was taken back to Russia as a prisoner, but deftly escaped to the
streets of Moscow. He stowed away on a train all the way to East Berlin.
There, he was taken in by a kindly old gentleman. When the Berlin Wall fell
on November ninth of 1989, the old man was so overjoyed that he decided to
make the ninth Jeff's birthday (since, obviously, his true date of birth was
unknown). One day, the young Jeff snuck on to an American army truck which
was in the process of being withdrawn due to the the USSR's collapse. Jeff
was carried to the United States aboard the truck in the hold of a cargo plane,
and was discovered there by a young army mechanic. He brought the child home
to his wife with the intention of raising him as their own, but his wife was a
wicked woman who grew very jealous of the young man's attention. One day, she
took the child to a bridge over a huge river and threw him in. Luckily, a
pillow barge was passing beneath at that very moment. It continued upriver,
bringing its massive cargo of pillows to Chicago which was at the peak of
its famous Great Pillow Shortage of '91. There, a dock worker found Jeff in
the ship's hold... Then some other things happened and now he is happily
married, lives in Urbana, and plays Irish music. |